Playgroup fun!

Today both Dan and I got to take Joaquin to playgroup. We had a super nice day even though it will be my last playgroup for a couple of weeks until Spring Break. I'm kind of sad, but it's all good in the hood. Here are some pictures of Joaquin going down the hill in his wagon. He loved it! It's kind of reminiscent of my ice blocking days...please tell me there are others who ice blocked in the middle of the night in their teen years!

OK, I think I'm better now.

I talked to Dan a bit ago and he also had a bit of a holy crap moment. Ya know, like "wow, this is real". But we both took deep breaths and came through sans freak out attacks. He was dropping off Joaquin at the in-laws because they just HAVE to see him or their hearts fall right out of their chests. They love that kid. Anyway, he was going to go back home to clean the house. How cool is that? I get to go home to a clean house and I didn't even have to do it OR pay someone to do it. In money.

I hadn't cried yet, I was on the verge a few times, but didn't cry. And that's crazy because I normally cry at the drop of a hat. But when I met with my Principal today, I cried. Not much, but enough that he ran out to get me tissue in fear that I might make a whole mess out of myself on his fancy redwood desk. He's actually a really good guy and I'm sure had no worries about his fancy desk. He had no problem with giving me part time at the beginning of the year and he was really supportive today. He also had big smiles at the idea of Dan being a SAHD. He has two little ones and is very much a father. But, what I thought was soo super duper cool, was that one of his first questions was if I would like to come back part-time next year. After all he did to get me part-time this year, put me back full-time now and still, he is considering giving me back part-time next year? Without me even having to ask? I of course said I would love it.

So Dan better get a job before then! We have a max of 6 months of unemployment and I'm now full time, we have a little dinero set aside and we also are getting a bit of a tax refund and that gubm'nt stimulation thing. We should be OK and hopefully I won't have to do summer school. Now all we need is a job...but not yet...in a few months. Right around summer would be perfect. And then I get knocked up.

Hey, one can dream, right?

eeek.

It's a done deal. I just talked to admin and I start full time on Monday.

Holy Crap.

I'm trying to stay positive because, well...I don't have a choice. I can cry and mope around about it, or just deal and turn my lemons into lemonade or my apples into oranges or however that saying goes. But right now at this very moment, I'm having a bit of a heart attack.

Someone please remind me that it will all be OK.

Well, we officially have a plan.

I know, I know, I've heard the cliche...Life doesn't care if you have plans. But for me to keep my sanity, I need a plan. I know things will not go exactly as planned. But I need a light at the end, a goal, a direction. That's just how I roll.


Drum roll please...I now present to you...
THE PLAN....

I'm going to talk to my admin to try and go back full time as soon as possible and stay full time through the end of the school year which is mid June. If Dan has not found THE job by summer than I also work summer school. Wah. If he has, then we start trying for number two!! Woo Hoo! In the fall if he has THE job, then I will go back part-time (if they let me) until the end of the first semester, when I will start my leave of absence to stay home with Joaquin and hopefully a baby #2. Yipee!!! If he still doesn't have THE job then we cry and our plan is useless and we go back to the drawing board.

It's funny how we're looking at this whole thing. I feel like we should be freaking out and miserable and looking at this like a huge set back. But we're not. We are really looking at this as a new start, a jumping point, a way to get us where we want to be.

We are fully aware of our crappy economy and know it will be hard to find THE job. But I'm really hoping that our positive outlook is a sign that things will be OK. I know this is so Oprah, but I do believe that we attract what we put out there. Right now, we're putting out some pretty good positive vibes. I just hope we stay that way.

Time to make some decisions.

So today is Dan's first day with Joaquin and I have already called a couple of times. The first time he was searching for Joaquin's shoes. The second time, they were eating snacks at the zoo. After both phone calls, I couldn't help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

In the past two days, things have definitely changed. I'm having a really hard time organizing my thoughts and feelings. There were a few moments yesterday, especially at the park with Joaquin, where I just wanted to break down and cry. But later in the afternoon when we were all together as a family, I was just on top of the world. I can just see the connection between Dan and Joaquin growing more and more. It's like since Dan knows he is going to be the primary caregiver now he has opened up his heart even more to him. He's doing more "little things" and big things around the house and he's just plain happier. Just shows how much that job was bringing him down.

As some of you have said, I know things happen for a reason. I just wish I knew what the reason was. But for now, it seems the Universe has a plan.

After a conversation with a coworker, I found out it would be very easy for me to go back up to full time status right now because she wants to go part-time to work on her PhD. She didn't know about our situation yet, the conversation just sort of happened. I also found out that people are needed for summer school. It's easy money and only half days. I hate the idea of going back full time and working summer school. But at the same time, with Dan home, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If it's what I have to do for our family right now, it's what I have to do.

I'm really hoping that if we can make things work right here, right now, it will hopefully open some doors to allow me to stay home full time in the future. I'm starting to itch for baby number two, but for that to happen, in my mind, I have to be able to stay home.

No decisions have been officially made, but we will have to soon. So, give me your thoughts, feedback... anything! Should I just bite the bullet and work full time and let Dan be the stay at home dad for now? Or...??

Suddenly, everything has changed.

Yesterday was an interesting day. As you know, I was on my fifth day of a headache from hell. I get headaches often and they usually last a few days, but 5 days was more than I could handle. After a late morning nap with Joaquin, I woke up to a nearly pain free head. As the day went on, it slowly disappeared completely. Usually when my headaches go away, they leave me full of energy and in a great mood, so by evening when Dan came home, I was ready to beg for a few free hours to spend with some of my playgroup mama friends for a drink or two.

That is when everything changed. He came home with some news that we're both still digesting.

He lost his job. He was laid off. Let go.

I can't say we're upset, because he hated his job and I hated it for him. We knew this was coming with the way the company was doing business lately, and we were somewhat hoping for it. But now that it has actually happened, we're both left a little in disbelief.

We're kind of giddy and excited, looking to the future and hoping for some positive changes. But of course we're scared shitless of what this could do to us financially. There are so many questions that don't have answers.

Will I have to go back to work full time? If so, when? Will he be happy as a stay at home dad until he finds a job? Will he find something where he will be happy? Will it bring in enough money to maybe let me be a stay at home mom in the future? How long until he finds a job? Any job? If it doesn't bring in enough will we both end up working full time with a child in daycare? Will we lose our home? Will we end up better off or worse off? Is this a good thing? A bad thing?

There are no answers and our plan is still in the works. He is excited to get some real quality time with Joaquin and for that I'm grateful. But there are so many mixed emotions right now, I just don't know what to feel.

This uncertainty...depending on the angle of your view, it can be so very exciting and hopeful. Or it can be so deathly frightening.

Day five

I've had a headache for five days now. Five days. I've always had headaches and you would think that I would be used to them by now, but I'm not. I just can't function. I'm sad and miserable and the thing just won't go away. I've taken everything and all they do is dull the pain a bit. So I guess it's officially a migraine. Whatever it is, it needs to go away. Now.

deleted.

Because sometimes, you've just gotta move on.

Oh, lazy day

Today had been fabulous. I haven't done much of anything and I love it. Yes, there are toys on the floor that could be picked up. Yes, the dishwasher could be unloaded and reloaded. But, I don't feel like doing it today. Lounging, playing and reading in the sun have been pretty much all I've done so far.

In a bit I'm off to get a haircut while Dan takes Joaquin to the park. I might even drink a glass of wine while there.

What a perfect lazy day.

I found them, I found them!!!

I guess Joaquin thought it would be fun to hide them under his little wooden xylophone.

Whatever, that's cool...I'm just happy that I found them!

Yay!

A trip to dog beach.

Well now I'm home and waiting for the in-laws to drop off Joaquin. I know, I know. I should be looking for my keys and not writing on here. But I've been wanting to share these pics all week and I finally have a few free minutes. I have tomorrow to find the keys, remember?

On Sunday a good friend of mine threw a sort of doggie birthday party for her 12 year old dog. Before you think she's crazy, know it was just a bunch of friends with dogs meeting up at Coronado Dog Beach. We took Joaquin this summer and he was really too small to get that into it. But Sunday was a whole other story!

He adores dogs. So here he is all super duper happy on my back watching all the action.



Then of course he wanted part of the action. I didn't want him to get tossed around by a bunch of 100 pound dogs so I tried to put him down away from everything. He was happy with the sand for about two minutes.



Then he had had enough and wanted in on the REAL action!



I was total helicopter mom to keep him away from the frolicking dogs and zero degree water. But I obviously didn't do too good of a job because he still got soaked. The water was freezing, but he was so excited by it. I tried to make a game of it and try and get him to run away from the water, but his shoes and pants quickly got wet and he totally fuh-reaked when I tried to pick him up and away from the water.

Finally I gave in and took off his pants and shoes. He only barely touched the water with is toes, but he had so much fun playing in the wet sand!





Oh, and here is Bella after she had a nice roll in the sand.



I can't wait for this summer when we can go to the beach and really get wet!

OK, off to go try and find my keys now

When did I become THAT mom?

You know, that one that always looks a little bit crazy eyed and is lucky their head is attached because if not they would be looking for it frantically like they look for everything else?

Yeah, that is officially me.

Tuesday night Joaquin decided to wake up at 11pm and go back to sleep at 1:30am. Needless to say, I was a wee bit tired yesterday. I was in a haze. All my words came out just a little bit slower than normal. I had the attention span of one of my students and coworkers had to ask if I was OK. I'm pretty used to a decent amount of sleep. Yeah, he wakes up early, but he never wakes up in the middle of the night and stays up for two and a half freaking hours.

He finally fell asleep after some pretty impressive boob-nastics. He was laying perpendicular to me while nursing, then decided to use my face as a step to kick off into a somersault over my body. Suddenly he just fell asleep with his feet tucked into my armpit and his head at the other end of the bed. Oh sweet sleep.

Like I said, yesterday I was a zombie. But I made it through the workday with no major accidents. In the evening I aimlessly wandered around the house trying to unpack diaper bags, start dinner and entertain Joaquin. He had had an early two hour nap, but by the afternoon he was a crabby little mess. At one point I looked down to see him playing with my car keys in the kitchen. He was putting them into and pulling them out of a Trader Joes bag. I remember thinking "Hmmm, I should take those away from him so he doesn't lose them". But I don't think I did. I think I was just happy that at that moment he was occupied and not whimpering at my pant leg while I drudged around the house.

Fast forward to this morning. Dan took off with Joaquin, I got ready for work. I was running a little late but was in a good enough mood. We ALL had slept wonderfully. Very little waking up last night and we woke up well rested.


I went to grab my bag and keys and suddenly it dawned on me.

Where are my keys? I dug madly through my bag. Where are MY KEYS?!? I searched the kitchen table picking up every object to see if they were somehow hiding them.

WHERE THE F*CK ARE MY KEYS?!!?!?!!?

Then, I remembered yesterday evening. Did I take them away? Did I let him keep playing with them? Are they still in that bag? No. Damn.

I got down on my hands and knees and scoured the kitchen at baby level. I looked in all his drawers and cabinets. I pulled things out, I put them back in. I looked in the fridge, under the oven, under the cabinets. I then crawled into the living room. I tore apart the couch cushions. Reached under the couch, crawled into the bathroom. Searched the drawers in there and then onto his room and then my room. I'm sure you get the picture.

I then tried to sit down and think like a logical normal person. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I swear.

Dan had my spare car keys in his car (brilliant aren't we?), but maybe he had seen them somewhere? I called him. He laughed at me and no he hadn't seen them. He also started on his lecture about putting my keys in the same place whenever I get home. I've heard this lecture before. Damn him.

Maybe they're in the diaper bag? I called my in-laws and tried to sound calm and put together. They laughed at me. They also offered to come and get me and take me to work, that was sweet, but not necessary as they are about twenty minutes away. And no keys by the way.

I had to go to work, so I called a colleague and told him my story. He laughed at me. But he also said he would come and pick me up. Then he told the story to the rest of my department. They laughed at me.

I'm at work now, on my lunch break. I still have no keys and will need a ride home. The in-laws are going to drop off Joaquin this afternoon. Tomorrow is a holiday for me and I'm going to spend a wonderful baby free afternoon cleaning my house and looking for my keys.


Can't wait.

No court for me!

I was really really needing a nap today. Joaquin decided to wake up at 6. I swear...this kid. What the hell man.
Anyway, so Dan took Joaquin to the grocery store and now, I can't sleep. Lovely.
Oh well, now I have some time with you all to update you on my court adventure, or lack thereof.


I had to get there early to meet with the D.A. so she could go over my statement and tell me what to expect. She made it sound incredibly scary. I had to answer only the question asked, and not elaborate unless asked. I had to answer completely truthfully, as in only exactly what I remembered, not what I thought I remembered. She told me not to be afraid of the defense attorney, he's just an intimidating guy doing his job. By the end of our little meeting I wanted to run away crying.

She also told me that these three kids had stolen a car, crashed it and had broken into a few other cars in the neighborhood before I saw them. Nice. The other two kids had already admitted guilt, but this one, just didn't want to own up to it.

Then I had to wait. I waited and waited and waited. For nearly two hours. And I forgot a book. So I was stuck with the Reader (which I really hate) and a Glamour from August (which just made me feel fat and ugly and desperately in need of some new shoes).

Finally the D.A. showed back up with some good news! The kid had heard that they had a witness, two victims and 4 officers there ready and waiting to testify against him and he kind of freaked. He admitted guilt and that was that. I was free to go.

She apologized for my time, but explained how important it was that we were all there, ready. It was what he needed to finally give himself up. I was cool with it, I didn't have to testify and that was all that mattered!

But as I drove home, I couldn't help but start to get really pissed off at this kid. He wasted so much time for so many people. And the money!! This D.A. obviously spent hours on this case, she had to get paid. His defense attorney had to get paid. The officers I'm sure were paid to be there. Dan had to take a half day to watch Joaquin so we missed out on half a day's pay. The victim's probably had to get out of work. And I'm sure there was plenty of other people out there that spent time, energy and money on this case. All because he was too stubborn to confess what he did?

I know last week, I felt really bad for him. But I don't anymore. I mean I feel bad that his life sucks enough that this is what he has to resort to. But I don't feel bad for calling the police or for having to testify against him. Does that make me sound evil? If it does, I'm sorry. I need a nap, remember?

So that's my story. Not nearly as crazy and dramatic as I thought it would be. But seriously, I really don't need anymore drama in my life. Life with a toddler is really all I can handle.

By the way, Elaine, your comment was super awesome. It was just what I needed, and your words seriously got me through the week. Thanks so much.

Really quick!

Dang, I can't believe it's been nearly a week since I've posted last. I suck!! Well actually, I've been pretty busy here at work which is usually when I do most of my blogging. So I only have a quick minute! That's a good thing. As you know I haven't been a huge fan of my job lately. As of Tuesday my schedule changed and I'm in some new classes thus I'm much busier. This makes for a much happier me. While I don't like crazy busy, I need some busy-ness to keep me sane. Now I don't have time to mope around and hate my job. I come to work and work until it's time to go home rather than trying to find ways to kill time. On top of that, I actually like the subject areas I'm working in. Not that I have a thing against science, I'm just not much of a scientific thinker. English is way more up my alley as you can tell by my great grammar. Hopefully this will keep up.

On to Joaquin.

Wow, this kid is seriously awesome. I remember a while back, when her daughter was this age, my friend Iris, told me what a great time she was having with her little one. I thought I got it when she told me, but now I really get it. He is just so fun! He does the silliest little things. Yesterday he started spinning in circles in front of our bedroom mirror. He would stop and laugh at himself while he stumbled around and then start spinning again. He dances to everything. I had Simon and Garfunkel on in his room the other day while he was in there playing. I walked in to check on him and found him dancing to "Cecilia" (which coincidentally happens to be my sister's name). There he was bobbing up and down groovin' to the tunes. It was so incredibly adorable!!

Everyday I find myself laughing with him. And not just a chuckle, but a full on laugh. A laugh where I have to catch my breath and my belly aches, kind of laugh. So here I will leave you with a couple of pictures my in-laws took over the past week or two only because I haven't uploaded my pics from my camera yet.






PS. Tomorrow I go to court...think happy thoughts for me!