When people hear that I work part-time, three days a week, I often hear that it must be a nice "balance". This is after all why I went part-time, right? To find some balance?
Well, I kept reminding myself of this when I found myself overwhelmed over the past few weeks. I reminded myself that I should be happy because I do finally have this elusive "balance", right? Or at least, I'm supposed to have it so I should start feeling "balanced" already, right? But I didn't, and then I would feel guilty, because I wasn't appropriately appreciating my new schedule and which then caused myself to feel even less "balanced".
A week or so ago at a playgroup, when this discussion of "balance" came up again is when I finally realized: Screw Balance. I'm tired of chasing it and being let down.
I didn't have it before kids. I especially won't have it after kids. It doesn't matter what my work schedule is or isn't like. Kids and Balance are just two things that don't go together. I may strive for it. I may get close to it. But I won't ever get it and I need to stop feeling guilty when I don't have it and I feel like I should.
This schedule may not have given me complete balance, but it did give me more time with my family. More time to clean the house. More time to work on the yard. More time to give to others. No, it did not give me more time to give myself. Am I totally OK with that? Not really. But it's all good because it did give me the new found absence of that feeling of dread come Sunday night.
I used to hate Sunday evenings because I would literally get depressed. Depressed that my weekend had come to an end and I was in fact working for the weekends. Now I actually kind of enjoy my "Sunday" nights (which are actually Monday nights). I like getting ready for the next three days, knowing my time at work will be busy, but a little less emotionally demanding. I like knowing my mind can wander away from things like naps, snacks and dog hair. Believe it or not, my three days midweek "working" are a little less work than my four days "off".
And that's OK. I enjoy my "Sunday" nights now and enjoy my "Friday" (actually Thursday) nights even more. It's nice to look forward to something...it's not balance, but it's close enough. And I'm not going to feel even a little guilty about it.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Well, I DID have my evenings back...
but yesterday I remembered that this weekend we spring forward. I was actually really looking forward to the time change, but now, not so much.
I'm hoping Joaquin won't go to bed any later than 7:30 or 8...but Isela will be a completely different story. Tonight she didn't go to bed until just after 8, so in time-change-land that is just after 9.
Nooooooooo!
There goes my evenings.
I'm hoping Joaquin won't go to bed any later than 7:30 or 8...but Isela will be a completely different story. Tonight she didn't go to bed until just after 8, so in time-change-land that is just after 9.
Nooooooooo!
There goes my evenings.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Why are you suddenly blogging again?!?!
Over the past year or so, Joaquin has gone on a few nap strikes and each one drove me batty. He would just refuse to nap, but then would be super insane until bed time. Yeah, he went to bed early, but the afternoon of hell totally didn't make it worth while...until now.
He started skipping naps again a few days a week in the past week or two, but now he's totally cool all afternoon...and then he goes to bed at like 6:30 or 7!!! And then wakes up at like 7 or 8!!!
I know, right?
So now I have my evenings back. Isela is still kind of all over the place with her schedule, but she won't go to bed any later than like 8 or so, so yeah...I have my evenings back!
Tonight they were both down by 7. Seven. SEVEN. (OK all you Friends addicts, where is that from ?)
If you're not a parent you have no idea how amazing this is. If you are a parent...holy crap, this is amazing.
Blogging was one thing I was really missing lately. Blogging is for me, for me to sort out my thoughts and feelings and also to help me remember. There is just so much to remember and if I don't take the time to get it all down...it's just gone. So with this time, blogging is definitely one thing I'm going to get back to doing.
On a totally different subject, take a look at this uh-maz-ing lamp we got for the dining area...
I found it on craigslist but needed to get it rewired and it was totally worth it. This room is finally coming together. Other than getting more stuff on the walls, we're on the hunt for a couple of nice chairs to replace that green one and set up a little sitting area with a small table, maybe possibly a rug...although we're really diggin' the open floor space in this room.
I know I haven't given you many pictures of the house, I've been meaning to, I promise, and hopefully I'll finally be able to at some point in the semi-near future. We shall see!
He started skipping naps again a few days a week in the past week or two, but now he's totally cool all afternoon...and then he goes to bed at like 6:30 or 7!!! And then wakes up at like 7 or 8!!!
I know, right?
So now I have my evenings back. Isela is still kind of all over the place with her schedule, but she won't go to bed any later than like 8 or so, so yeah...I have my evenings back!
Tonight they were both down by 7. Seven. SEVEN. (OK all you Friends addicts, where is that from ?)
If you're not a parent you have no idea how amazing this is. If you are a parent...holy crap, this is amazing.
Blogging was one thing I was really missing lately. Blogging is for me, for me to sort out my thoughts and feelings and also to help me remember. There is just so much to remember and if I don't take the time to get it all down...it's just gone. So with this time, blogging is definitely one thing I'm going to get back to doing.
On a totally different subject, take a look at this uh-maz-ing lamp we got for the dining area...
I found it on craigslist but needed to get it rewired and it was totally worth it. This room is finally coming together. Other than getting more stuff on the walls, we're on the hunt for a couple of nice chairs to replace that green one and set up a little sitting area with a small table, maybe possibly a rug...although we're really diggin' the open floor space in this room.
I know I haven't given you many pictures of the house, I've been meaning to, I promise, and hopefully I'll finally be able to at some point in the semi-near future. We shall see!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
talk about priorities
Yesterday Joaquin went to my parent's for most of the day. They try and snag him any chance they can get and as you know, we had a bunch of stuff to do. Well, today started out like any other day, totally mellow and no conflicts, but all of a sudden Joaquin started saying that he wanted to go back to Lita's (my mom's) house. He then proceeded to tell me that I'm boring and that he was going to go live with Lita. He packed his bag and begged for my car keys for so he can leave us. Dan told him he could take the truck.
Dan seemed to think this was funny and when I was talking to my mom earlier she had told me that Joaquin had told her last night that he wanted to live there and that he wanted her to be his mommy. I know, I know...all kids say these things. I know, I know...I shouldn't take it personally. But I did. It crushed me.
The thing is, even though I'm now on a part-time schedule, I'm still feeling incredibly pulled too thin. I'm trying to do soooo much alllll the time. It seems like I am never doing less than two things at one time..and if I am trying to do just one thing, my mind is wandering all over the place to all the things I should be doing. The list of things I need to do are always running through my head, always.
I put so much of myself into all this stuff that "needs" to get done that I just go through the motions, getting them done as fast and efficiently as possible, not having much fun doing them and then not having much energy or time to simply have fun with my kids.
Joaquin loves going to hang out with my mom because all they do is play. I don't. I don't play with him. I just go through the day, crossing off the things on my list and not having any fun doing it. OK, maybe there is some fun, but not enough of it.
After some tears, facebook exchanges, words with my mom, Dan and Joaquin I realized that maybe I need to not worry so much about the house getting cleaned up every day, running that errand or two or starting that home improvement project or ten. Or if I do, maybe we need to make it a little bit more fun...for all of us.
So, I'm going to get my copy of Playful Parenting back in my hands and do some reading. I'm going to try and let go of some of my to-do list. I'm going to try and make the execution of the items that stay on my to-do list more fun, and if that's not possible, I'm going to make sure I leave some room for fun and smiles with my family somewhere in my day...
Any suggestions on how to make this happen are of course always welcome!
Dan seemed to think this was funny and when I was talking to my mom earlier she had told me that Joaquin had told her last night that he wanted to live there and that he wanted her to be his mommy. I know, I know...all kids say these things. I know, I know...I shouldn't take it personally. But I did. It crushed me.
The thing is, even though I'm now on a part-time schedule, I'm still feeling incredibly pulled too thin. I'm trying to do soooo much alllll the time. It seems like I am never doing less than two things at one time..and if I am trying to do just one thing, my mind is wandering all over the place to all the things I should be doing. The list of things I need to do are always running through my head, always.
I put so much of myself into all this stuff that "needs" to get done that I just go through the motions, getting them done as fast and efficiently as possible, not having much fun doing them and then not having much energy or time to simply have fun with my kids.
Joaquin loves going to hang out with my mom because all they do is play. I don't. I don't play with him. I just go through the day, crossing off the things on my list and not having any fun doing it. OK, maybe there is some fun, but not enough of it.
After some tears, facebook exchanges, words with my mom, Dan and Joaquin I realized that maybe I need to not worry so much about the house getting cleaned up every day, running that errand or two or starting that home improvement project or ten. Or if I do, maybe we need to make it a little bit more fun...for all of us.
So, I'm going to get my copy of Playful Parenting back in my hands and do some reading. I'm going to try and let go of some of my to-do list. I'm going to try and make the execution of the items that stay on my to-do list more fun, and if that's not possible, I'm going to make sure I leave some room for fun and smiles with my family somewhere in my day...
Any suggestions on how to make this happen are of course always welcome!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
time to prioritize
It's been raining quite a bit around here lately, well quite a bit for San Diego, so we haven't been getting out into the yard as much as we would like. Not only have we not been getting out there, the rain has encouraged weeds to simply take over the property.
We had a few available hours today before the rain was supposed to hit, but there is just so much to do we didn't really even know where to start. So we ended up using most of today to take inventory of what we need to do, want to do and what we're going to do first.
Our first big project is going to clear out all of these weeds and plant something along that back fence, we're still not quite sure what. We need something to provide us with some sort of privacy from our neighbors, but that can also handle the small space and won't spew a ton of dead leaves into the pool.
Next, we're planning to take out all of these shrubs on either side of the patio and replace them with pavers. Yeah, the paver layout was set up for a flower bed of some sort, but we figure we have enough greenery all over this yard that we would rather make the patio larger. We'll just have to figure out how to add the pavers with out it looking all wonky.
Here we need to build something to hide this crawlspace and electricity meter while still keeping them accessible. This is not only an eyesore, but a tad bit dangerous come pool season. We're thinking some kind of removable bench, maybe with a hinged seat so the meter reader can just lift it? It would also be good for pool storage. We would also make it so that we can just lift the whole bench up and out of the way if we need to get to this crawlspace.
While we're at it, we would love to build something to hide this monstrosity of a pool motor.
We will also need to deal with all the weeds shooting up in between the pavers...it'll only take like five gallons of white vinegar, right?
We're hoping to get all of the above done by the beginning of pool season and then we'll move onto the rest of the yard.
I was hoping to start a vegetable garden this spring, but I'm not so sure that's going to happen. We need to keep things prioritized to keep my head from exploding and this hill is going to take a crap ton of work.
There was a bouganvilla tree on the other side of this fence that was sooo huge it hung over the fence and took up a nice chunk of our space. The neighbors are selling so they cut down the tree and opened up all of this space which I think would be great for a veggie garden. The problem is, there is a bunch of wood, bricks and crazy amounts of dead bouganvilla leaves piled there. Also that random wrought iron fence is stuck there partially buried and wedged in with cinder blocks. I spent an hour or so clearing out a bunch of this stuff, but there is still sooo much to do to just ready the space for gardening.
This space will be awesome for relaxing in the shade, but again, there is lots to clear out and we will also need to do some leveling which will also mean some retaining walls.
And here is the rest. I picture a meandering garden with retaining walls made of broken concrete. This will give us some level areas to plant different gardens and I would love to even plant some fruit trees towards the top. This is going to take renting a Bobcat machine, lots of loads of broken concrete, figuring out a watering and drainage system and lots and lots of work. I figure this won't happen for a few years. *sigh*
So yeah, we have our work cut out for us. I didn't even take pictures of the front yard which also needs an insane amount of weeding! One thing at a time though. We'll start with the patio and pool deck and move on from there. I will just have to be OK with the fact that I may not have my veggie garden right away...or maybe I'll squeeze it in...maybe.
We had a few available hours today before the rain was supposed to hit, but there is just so much to do we didn't really even know where to start. So we ended up using most of today to take inventory of what we need to do, want to do and what we're going to do first.
Our first big project is going to clear out all of these weeds and plant something along that back fence, we're still not quite sure what. We need something to provide us with some sort of privacy from our neighbors, but that can also handle the small space and won't spew a ton of dead leaves into the pool.
Next, we're planning to take out all of these shrubs on either side of the patio and replace them with pavers. Yeah, the paver layout was set up for a flower bed of some sort, but we figure we have enough greenery all over this yard that we would rather make the patio larger. We'll just have to figure out how to add the pavers with out it looking all wonky.
Here we need to build something to hide this crawlspace and electricity meter while still keeping them accessible. This is not only an eyesore, but a tad bit dangerous come pool season. We're thinking some kind of removable bench, maybe with a hinged seat so the meter reader can just lift it? It would also be good for pool storage. We would also make it so that we can just lift the whole bench up and out of the way if we need to get to this crawlspace.
While we're at it, we would love to build something to hide this monstrosity of a pool motor.
We will also need to deal with all the weeds shooting up in between the pavers...it'll only take like five gallons of white vinegar, right?
We're hoping to get all of the above done by the beginning of pool season and then we'll move onto the rest of the yard.
I was hoping to start a vegetable garden this spring, but I'm not so sure that's going to happen. We need to keep things prioritized to keep my head from exploding and this hill is going to take a crap ton of work.
There was a bouganvilla tree on the other side of this fence that was sooo huge it hung over the fence and took up a nice chunk of our space. The neighbors are selling so they cut down the tree and opened up all of this space which I think would be great for a veggie garden. The problem is, there is a bunch of wood, bricks and crazy amounts of dead bouganvilla leaves piled there. Also that random wrought iron fence is stuck there partially buried and wedged in with cinder blocks. I spent an hour or so clearing out a bunch of this stuff, but there is still sooo much to do to just ready the space for gardening.
This space will be awesome for relaxing in the shade, but again, there is lots to clear out and we will also need to do some leveling which will also mean some retaining walls.
And here is the rest. I picture a meandering garden with retaining walls made of broken concrete. This will give us some level areas to plant different gardens and I would love to even plant some fruit trees towards the top. This is going to take renting a Bobcat machine, lots of loads of broken concrete, figuring out a watering and drainage system and lots and lots of work. I figure this won't happen for a few years. *sigh*
So yeah, we have our work cut out for us. I didn't even take pictures of the front yard which also needs an insane amount of weeding! One thing at a time though. We'll start with the patio and pool deck and move on from there. I will just have to be OK with the fact that I may not have my veggie garden right away...or maybe I'll squeeze it in...maybe.
Friday, March 5, 2010
My Budding Artist
We had an easel outside for Joaquin to paint, but with all the rain lately I dragged it inside and gave him a bunch of markers instead. Since then he has been drawing all the time and he's so excited about being able to actually make drawings rather than just scribbles. Well, they may still look like scribbles to you...but in my mama eyes they're fabulous works of art!
Portrait of his mama...
he told me that that scribble on top was my hair.
A pirate ship...
...and the pirate...
Of course he is experimenting with his artistry in places other than his easel...
He's even used the couch as a canvas...and Isela's face. Yeah. That was so not cute. We continue to try to redirect him to the easel or any acceptable piece of paper and he gets it, it's just a matter of him working with that impulse. At least he's not eating the markers anymore!
Portrait of his mama...
he told me that that scribble on top was my hair.
A pirate ship...
...and the pirate...
Of course he is experimenting with his artistry in places other than his easel...
He's even used the couch as a canvas...and Isela's face. Yeah. That was so not cute. We continue to try to redirect him to the easel or any acceptable piece of paper and he gets it, it's just a matter of him working with that impulse. At least he's not eating the markers anymore!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tomorrow is my Monday
I'm now officially part time, yep, 60%. I work Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday with Monday and Friday off. It feels like a ton has been lifted off my shoulders!
It was a long nearly three months, but I made it. We all made it. I feel like Isela has grown up so much in the past couple of months, it's crazy. She's pretty ready to start crawling, she gets on all fours and bounces back and forth. We're also slowly starting solids and as soon as I gave her that first bite, she was all over it! She's lovin' her avocado (although here she is eating carrots)!
There is more I want to say and write in regards to my quest to find balance...but the words are failing me at the moment. OK, I'll confess...I've been sucked into those ridiculous Twilight books and I think they're messing a bit with my attention span and for sure with my free time. Now that I'm part-time and will soon be done with these time suck of books, I'm sure I'll be back soon.
It was a long nearly three months, but I made it. We all made it. I feel like Isela has grown up so much in the past couple of months, it's crazy. She's pretty ready to start crawling, she gets on all fours and bounces back and forth. We're also slowly starting solids and as soon as I gave her that first bite, she was all over it! She's lovin' her avocado (although here she is eating carrots)!
There is more I want to say and write in regards to my quest to find balance...but the words are failing me at the moment. OK, I'll confess...I've been sucked into those ridiculous Twilight books and I think they're messing a bit with my attention span and for sure with my free time. Now that I'm part-time and will soon be done with these time suck of books, I'm sure I'll be back soon.
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