these boots are made for...

Some boys have teddy bears, others have blankies. Joaquin has boots.

brussels sprouts and boots

There is no real subject to this post other than to show you how funny my kid is.

I had tried to feed Joaquin brusells sprouts once before and he wouldn't have anything to do with them. This time I made them with coconut oil and sprinkled garlic powder, salt and pepper over them and then popped them in the oven for about 20 minutes. They came out so yummy with the outside leaves nice and crispy and the insides all nice and soft. Obviously Joaquin ate them up, and he even stole one from my plate. Oh, and that hat? He refused to eat without it.



So yeah, did you know that rain boots are also to be worn in the tub? I didn't, but Joaquin insisted. Why fight such cuteness???

Summer is nearing it's end.

This is my last week as a pseudo SAHM. I feel like I should be out and about drinking in every last ounce of summer freedom, but I'm not. I actually just want to stay home and chill this week, but I feel kind of guilty for wanting that. I realized that while summer flew by, we did a lot. We went out and did something every single day. There was not one day where I stayed home all day and just poked around the house. So I think I'm going to do just that for the rest of the week. I know we didn't go to the beach or to Sea World or everywhere else enough, but we still managed to pack in a fun summer and I'm trying to allow myself to enjoy just resting up. It's time to stick close to home for a couple of days and like it, damn it!

Dan worked incredibly hard on fixing up our back yard the last couple of weeks. It was once just a big stinky pile of dirt and weeds for Bella to do her business. But we put in a couple of planters and decomposed granite. Now we're out there almost every morning and afternoon, so I think I may fiddle around out there a bit. Joaquin loves it as you can see.













So yeah. I think I'm going to chill for a day or two and mentally prepare myself for what will be a pretty insane next week.

they went down

I finally found out a couple of hours ago that the levels are down to 20, that's a good thing. They may want me to come in for another test next week, but I think I'm going to pass. I know they're going down and that there is nothing funky going on, so why bother with the stress? Bleeding is almost gone and I'm feeling fine. Now I would like to just put it all behind me.

no word yet.

I tried to go in first thing in the morning to get my blood drawn, but when I walked in it was a zoo. A zoo with a 45 minute wait. And I had to be somewhere in 30. Plus I had Joaquin. There was no way that child was going to sit around and wait for 45 minutes, for anything. So off we went to our co-op pick-up. Once it was time to leave, the nice mamas there offered to keep an eye on Joaquin so I could run to the lab since it was so close. This time there was no wait, but the guy at the front counter was an ass hat. When he pulled up my record on the computer and looked at the test I was there to take, he casually asked me "Are you pregnant?" I looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights and shrugged "Um, isn't that what this is for?" I really didn't want to explain the whole story to him, but what the hell?? Why would he ask a question like that? If one knew they were pregnant, then they wouldn't be taking the damn blood test! Obviously there is an issue or else I wouldn't freaking be there!!! I should have told him why I was taking it, then maybe next time he would think twice before sticking his foot down his throat. Anyway, I got in to take the test so late, I doubt they got the results at my office, so no word. I'll probably hear something tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed my levels are low so this can all be over with!

confused.

I had to go in today to get my hCG levels tested again to make sure they are down to around 0. Last Tuesday they were at 28. Today they came back at 35. WTF?!?! The NP was very confused when she called to tell me. Her answer for my "what!?!" was "I know". She also said that my Dr thinks they will go down. I'm not sure what that really means other then that they don't know what the hell is going on with me. I do know it's still not a viable pregnancy, especially according to this chart. But I want to understand how and why they went up instead of down. All I can think is that my levels continued to go up for a few days after I took the last blood test and then they started to come back down, and that makes me sad. I'm just confused and irritated and so want to move on already.

Shamu poop.

We were all off to a slow and foggy start today, so when Dan suggested we go get something to eat and maybe head to his parents, I had no idea I had so dangerously under packed the diaper bag. Off we went with only one diaper and no wipes. While at the restaurant I discovered we had left the house sans wipes, but didn't think it was too big of a deal; Joaquin is a regular morning pooper, we very rarely get any poop action outside of the morning hours. I repeat, rarely.

Instead of going to his parents Dan thought Sea World might be kind of fun. I knew we were under prepared, but also figured we would only be there for a couple of hours max so I agreed. We got in and decided to check out the Shamu show, Joaquin loves the part where they get the crowd cheering along while the whales splash the audience. We parked the stroller and I pulled Joaquin out, as I did this I got a whiff of something so incredibly foul I turned and made a face at Dan. As we walked away, all hand in hand, Dan tells me "Jeez, something sure was stinky over there", "I know right, disgusting." We climbed the bleachers and found some seats high up and away from all the crowds. As we sat Dan complained about "that smell" again and then he looked at me groaned "I think it's Joaquin." He then pulled up his shirt to find orangish brown chunky poop squeezed out of the top of his shorts. It was on his shorts and on his shirt and on Dan's hand. "Shit. I forgot the wipes." I sat there for a minute to assess the situation and to decide on our next move as Dan gaped at his hand. In an attempt to avoid a meltdown, we told Joaquin we were going for a walk and high tailed it to the diaper changing room. I was hoping for a secret cabinet of supplies, but to no avail. Instead we were forced to wet paper towels with soap and water and try and wipe him up as well as we could. It was seriously a two man job. He was wearing a cloth diaper and I honestly considered just throwing it out, it was so vile. But Dan wiped it up and wrapped it up in paper towels instead. We put on his one diaper and walked back to the stadium. We made it through our mini-crisis with only the lingering stink on our hands...or so we thought.

Joaquin got right into the show while standing next to me on the bench, I had my arm around him and within a few minutes I felt a rumble under my hand and a stench quickly followed. "I think he pooped again", I mumbled to Dan, not quite believing it. But I peeked in his diaper and sure enough, he had let go of another load. The smell made me want to vomit in my mouth. We both sat there not sure what the hell to do, but the smell was starting to make me dizzy. I remembered when I worked there in High School, the first aide booth always handed out necessities to the guests so I figured it was worth a shot to beg for a diaper. Off we went, again. We grabbed the stroller and power walked to the first aide booth. I walked in stumbling over my words, "Do you, um, have like, um, emergency diapers?" The girl grinned at me and then at Joaquin who was cheerfully waving "hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi". All I could imagine was all the poop squeezing out of his diaper onto his shorts and possibly my arms. "No, we don't but the store across the way sells them." I was about to walk in when Dan stopped me, "You can't take him in there, he STINKS." We both had been cringing since the first poop discovery from this stink. I swear I have never smelled a stink like this come out of my child, ever. We waited outside while he got the diaper. Then we cleaned him up with wet soapy paper towels all over again. This time we had a bag to stick the dirty diapers in, but as I was wiping the diaper up I gagged, then gagged again. Dan moved out of my way as I dry heaved. Luckily I took control and didn't vomit all over the changing room, but I had never been so close. We considered going back out to the park, but decided we had had enough adventure for one day so we headed home where Joaquin went straight into the bath and I to a glass of wine.

doing better.

I'm doing a lot better today. Last night I finally let myself wallow in it and just cry a bit. I also had a decent night's sleep which makes a huge difference for me. If I don't get enough sleep everything is magnified by a million. Today I kept myself super busy, bouncing from swim class to bed bath & beyond to even more errands and finally to the zoo. Now I'm watching Last Comic Standing (I know, I know) while eating some frozen yogurt. See, much better!
Thanks for all the comments, emails and support. I really appreciate it and it made a huge difference.

suck it up

I don't know why, but I'm feeling more sad today than I did yesterday. It's so silly. It's not like I was even pregnant for that long! I also feel like the two people closest to me don't understand why I'm sad and seem almost surprised by it. While everybody else asks how I'm doing and offer hugs and support. It would be nice if those closest to me could do the same. We went to the beach today and I was fine while we were there. But as soon as we got in the car to come home I started feeling crappy again. Now that I'm home and Joaquin is asleep I wish I could just crawl in a hole. I feel like I want to cry, but I can't. I feel like I want to scream, but I can't. I feel like I just want to walk away, but I can't. Seriously, I need to get a grip. Things could be so much worse. People live through little things like this all the time. I just need to suck it up and move on.

What I wanted.

Well the title of my last post was meant to be more hypothetical, but the guesses were interesting!

Dan and I have been thinking about baby #2. When the normally very punctual Aunt Flo didn't show up this past week, I was pretty sure #2 was on the way. I took a test 2 days later and it turned up negative and again took another one the next morning. That one was positive. I thought it was weird that the one the day before was negative so I suspected that my hormone levels were pretty low. Both Dan and I were pretty shocked. While we had been planning on starting to try we weren't quite ready for the reality of it. Since I'm hoping to take some time off when we have a 2nd he was thinking a lot about the financial planning side of it. I was thinking "How in the hell am I going to manage two of them?!?!"

I talked to my friend Iris, and we went on a field trip to Babies R Us to look at all the new baby stuff. We test drove double strollers with Lila and Joaquin and looked at tiny adorable clothes. I kept asking her if I could register again, I swear things are so much cuter than just a couple of years ago! By the end of the day, I was feeling more calm and accepting about the whole thing.

But then I started spotting and cramping. It wasn't anything major, but enough to make me nervous. The next day it got worse. I hadn't called my Dr yet, mostly because I wasn't sure I wanted her to be my Dr through this pregnancy, but I figured I should talk to somebody about this bleeding. They had me go in to get my hCG levels tested. Last night Dan and I talked about how if this little bean makes it through, we thought it was going to be a girl. We talked about how Joaquin would be a good big brother and how we can handle another one, if it makes it.

Well, I got a call this morning and as it turned out, my numbers were really low. The NP said, "it doesn't look like this is going to be a viable pregnancy". I told her I had figured as much. I was pretty prepared for the news, but it still stung. Just when we were getting used to the idea, it was gone. I had to go in today to get a Rhogam shot because I'm RH-. It wasn't fun sitting in that waiting room and that is when I finally cried. Sitting alone in that stupid waiting room. I'm OK now. I don't know how soon we're going to start trying again, but for now, life goes on.

what do I want?

I really thought I wanted something. And then I got it. And then I panicked and thought that maybe I was crazy for wanting it in the first place. Now I might not get it after all, and I'm finding myself wanting it all over again.

We'll see where the next few weeks takes us.