What I wanted.

Well the title of my last post was meant to be more hypothetical, but the guesses were interesting!

Dan and I have been thinking about baby #2. When the normally very punctual Aunt Flo didn't show up this past week, I was pretty sure #2 was on the way. I took a test 2 days later and it turned up negative and again took another one the next morning. That one was positive. I thought it was weird that the one the day before was negative so I suspected that my hormone levels were pretty low. Both Dan and I were pretty shocked. While we had been planning on starting to try we weren't quite ready for the reality of it. Since I'm hoping to take some time off when we have a 2nd he was thinking a lot about the financial planning side of it. I was thinking "How in the hell am I going to manage two of them?!?!"

I talked to my friend Iris, and we went on a field trip to Babies R Us to look at all the new baby stuff. We test drove double strollers with Lila and Joaquin and looked at tiny adorable clothes. I kept asking her if I could register again, I swear things are so much cuter than just a couple of years ago! By the end of the day, I was feeling more calm and accepting about the whole thing.

But then I started spotting and cramping. It wasn't anything major, but enough to make me nervous. The next day it got worse. I hadn't called my Dr yet, mostly because I wasn't sure I wanted her to be my Dr through this pregnancy, but I figured I should talk to somebody about this bleeding. They had me go in to get my hCG levels tested. Last night Dan and I talked about how if this little bean makes it through, we thought it was going to be a girl. We talked about how Joaquin would be a good big brother and how we can handle another one, if it makes it.

Well, I got a call this morning and as it turned out, my numbers were really low. The NP said, "it doesn't look like this is going to be a viable pregnancy". I told her I had figured as much. I was pretty prepared for the news, but it still stung. Just when we were getting used to the idea, it was gone. I had to go in today to get a Rhogam shot because I'm RH-. It wasn't fun sitting in that waiting room and that is when I finally cried. Sitting alone in that stupid waiting room. I'm OK now. I don't know how soon we're going to start trying again, but for now, life goes on.