My dear sweet boy.

This past week has had it's ups and downs. I made a promise to myself last Monday morning that I would not yell at Joaquin. I felt like everything I was telling him was negative and often in not the nicest of voices. I did pretty good for most of the week. But I hate to say it; he's a handful and a half and as the week went on my patience grew more and more thin.

I think we just really need to evaluate some things around here and how we interact with Joaquin.

I feel like our environment has turned into a "No" versus a "Yes" environment. There are too many things that I have to tell him not to do. I would rather he was physically in a place where playing, touching and exploring most things was OK. It's like no matter how much I clear out of this place, clutter takes over and he dives right in. He needs a yard to run around in, a room to play in, activities and toys that are kid accessible and not in a giant pile in a hot tiny room. Our house just feels so kid un-friendly it's kind of a bummer.

Also, I think we need to allow him to burn off more energy. We go out every day, but there were still moments this week where he was practically bouncing off the walls. I mean running around and crashing into walls, furniture, body parts, dogs etc etc. We just enrolled him into some soccer classes which I'm hoping will help burn some of his energy and I need to make sure our days always involve time for him to physically play, especially in the afternoons.

But even with the opportunity to burn energy, it's like he's missing a way to expell a certain kind of energy. It's like he NEEDS to feel physical touch. He tends to squeeze, wrestle and get really rough in his play. This mostly happens with us and the dog, but I'm starting to see it happen with other kids and even in his attempts to hug and kiss the baby. He's not hitting or being mean, just kind of aggressive with his attempts to show affection. I feel like I'm constantly saying "gentle gentle gentle" with him! Am I not hugging and loving him enough anymore? Is that what's suddenly causing this?

I'm also pretty sure some of this is attention getting behaviors. While he's not showing jealousy directly at the baby, I know it's there and these moment of craziness are his way of getting that attention that has been diverted from him. I really hope he will settle down and this isn't a case of baby induced ADHD. I mean, he can get pretty crazy lately...along with ignoring us and some plain old defiance. It makes me wonder "Where did my sweet boy go?"

I almost feel like resorting to sticker charts and behavior modification strategies. But it just feels so manipulative. Do we really need to go there? Can some adjustments to our environment, routine and our attitude make enough of a difference? I'm also hoping that if I start pumping, I can get in some dedicated Mama & Joaquin time...time that is just all fun. I feel like I'm not fun for him anymore.

Today he told me he wanted my sister Ceci, to be his mom, and that he wanted to live with her. He also never wants to leave my mom's house whenever we go over. I get that everybody else is way more fun, but am I that awful to him that he doesn't even want me to be his mom anymore?

I know the baby is only three weeks old and this is still all so new, but it still is a bummer. I was going to come on here and update our week and post some fun pictures and this just spilled out.

Sorry. I'll do my best to post some pictures tomorrow. For now, here he is being is old sweet self the other night...



Now it's time for bed and time to get in some cuddles with Joaquin...even if he is sleeping and won't remember me whispering in his ear how much I love him and how much miss him.

Part five of Isela Marí’s arrival: Finally Home

Here is the last bit, again loaded with pictures. Thanks for reading everybody and stay tuned for tons of pictures and plenty of updates of these two...they love the camera after all!

Here are the obligitory links to parts one, two, three & four if you missed them...

Part five of Isela Marí’s arrival: Finally Home

We got home early Sunday afternoon, and Joaquin was still napping at my mom's house so our house was eerily quiet for a few hours as we waited for Joaquin to arrive.







As soon as Joaquin and my mom got there and he realized the baby was home he HAD to get in some serious cuddles.







We bought Joaquin a couple of gifts “from the baby” that we had him open; a Cars DVD, you know for those moments when the TV will be a really good babysitter? And a remote control firetruck. He loved them and thanked the baby for such kind generosity. Even today if you ask him where he got either one he’ll tell you “the baby” gave them to him, it’s adorable. Oh, and check out his awesome shirt.





Joaquin also got Isela two little stuffed froggies. We had been reading a couple of books about new babies, and in the book the big brother buys the baby a stuffed frog. Since then he was on the lookout for a frog to buy baby and he found the two perfect ones at Ikea. He was so excited to give them to her!







I bit later Isela had to nurse and when I went to nurse her Joaquin had a fit. He kept saying that HE wanted milk, not the baby. From there it turned into a total meltdown complete with kicking and screaming. I just started sobbing, apologizing to him for what I had done. That made my mom cry and poor Dan was stuck there with us all crying. Joaquin soon calmed down, but I will never forget that initial feeling of “Oh my god, what did I just do to my family, to my son?” It seriously broke my heart.

It’s been interesting trying to keep him to stay gentle with her. He gets a little Lenny on her here and there, he will try to squeeze her head or pull a finger and he wants to hold her ALL the time. It’s not so much that he’s jealous of her, but that he wants her to be his. He wants to change the diaper, feed her, carry her. Of course, he can’t do all of these things so tantrums usually ensue.

He’s also been very active, all over the place spazzy active. The next day after we got home, we had to go to the park. There was just no way he could have stayed home and we all would have stayed sane. No way.





Oh and here is Isela's park attire...gotta love it.




So we’ve been out and about pretty much every day since we got out of the hospital. While getting out of the house is crazy, it doesn’t compare to the mental institution I would be sent to if we didn’t get out. Seriously.

I had been going on adrenaline for a few days; sleep was OK, but not great. My mom asked if she could take Joaquin on Wednesday afternoon, which turned into possibly that night and the next day. I asked Joaquin and he was stoked to go, I on the other hand was a mess.

I knew I needed the rest and the opportunity to bond with the baby, but I was already missing Joaquin and what we had before baby so much. When my mom came to pick him up I started with the crying, he hugged and kissed me and my mom told me he would be fine. I knew he would, it was me that wasn’t!



I did end up getting some much-needed rest and we were all much happier, but it’s still been hard to see our relationship change so much. Dan has pretty much taken over as Joaquin’s primary caregiver when I’m with the baby. He puts him to sleep, wakes up with him and deals with a lot of the little stuff through out the day. He’s really been amazing.

While I love and appreciate this, again, I just miss my time with Joaquin. There was a night a few nights ago where I just cried most of the evening. Joaquin was acting up, it seemed like every thing with him was a battle and I just wanted the old “us” back. I know we’ll never get that again and we all have to adjust to a new normal, but still. It’s hard.

I can’t believe I ever thought life with a newborn was hard, or even life with just a toddler! When it’s just one on one, everything is sooo much easier! With two? Not so much.

I know things will get better and we’ll all adjust and actually we’ve made quite a bit of progress over the past two weeks.

What was normal before the baby is no longer and as a new family we're slowly but surely making our way to what will be our new normal.

Will I have enough room?

I was laying next to Joaquin yesterday while he was napping. I was just staring at him, studying his little lips and nose and eyelashes. He looked so calm and innocent. I kissed his dirty forehead and sweet fingertips and all I could think was "I'm so sorry". He has no idea how upside down his happy world is soon going to become.

I love him so much, I just can't help but wonder how in the world I'm going to fit in enough love for two of them. Will my frustration and lack of patience for him grow and my love for him drop? Will she never get the same amount of love I feel for him? Will they constantly be at battle for my heart? I know it all seems so silly, but I'm just so afraid I won't be able to love them both enough.

I'm afraid that Joaquin's sweet sweet world will just explode all around him and I will be the cause of it. Will I resent the baby for it?

He seems so excited for her to join us. When I told him this morning that I was tired becuase the baby was going to come out soon, he got so excited. "The baby is coming out! Hurry up baby!" If he only knew.

I am excited, I do want to meet her. But I'm feeling so sad too. So sad that I'm going to lose this amazing thing I have with my son that I love so much it hurts.

I'm afraid that when he looks back on these photos, at how excited he was, he's going to mutter to himself..."if I only knew".





Or maybe he's onto something with his excitement. Maybe he, in his heart, knows something that I don't. Maybe he knows I have enough room...I hope I do.