Our family bed

Yep, all four of us are in our bed. We are a co-sleeping (or co-bedding or bed-sharing or whatever) family and it works for us.

I know you have some questions for me, probably something along the lines of...
Why??? How did we get here? How do we do we manage to all fit safely? Do you actually sleep??

Before I even had Joaquin, I was doing lots and lots of reading. I soon figured out that I wanted to co-sleep with my baby. I knew it would make nursing at night easier, he would sleep better, it would keep us connected and I honestly couldn't imagine him being further than right next to me. There is also research out there that when done properly and safely it reduces the risk of SIDS. If you want more info, check this out, it's just the tip of the iceberg, but it's informative.

Anyway, after talking to Dan about it, it made perfect sense for us. We used to have Bella in our bed and Dan even said, "If we sleep with our dog, why wouldn't we sleep with our kids??" Of course Bella was out of our bed by the time Joaquin came along, but yes, it made perfect sense for us.

At about 6 months, I finally figured out how to attach our then unused crib to our bed in a side-car position by using this blog post. I took off the side rail and adjusted the mattress so that it was nearly flush with our mattress. We pushed it up against our bed and it added a ton of space. It gave us more room for us all to spread out and since the crib mattress was flush to our mattress we still had all the perks of being in the same bed.

When Joaquin was almost two, I felt like maybe it was time to get him into his own bed. Dan wasn't really on board, he felt like Joaquin was doing fine with us, but for some reason I thought it was just "time". I got him a toddler bed on craigslist and we started working on the transition.

It worked for a bit but it honestly didn't last too long. Turned out nobody was ready for the change, not even me. I wasn't getting any sleep at night because I kept listening for Joaquin. It wasn't until he woke up and I brought him into bed with us that I finally really fell asleep and some nights that was well past 3 am or so.

So we kept going with our little co-sleeping family. Then I got pregnant. I was worried about how we were going to bring the baby into this mix. But as we got further and further along in the pregnancy I realized I still wasn't ready for Joaquin to be out. I especially didn't want him to feel like he was pushed out of our bed and replaced by his little sister!

Isela came along and we are still all sleeping, together as one big happy family. The setup isn't the most aesthetically pleasing, but it works and seriously, this phase of the kids being little is really so short in the grand scheme of things. As soon as they're older and out, then we'll make the bed all fancy looking.





Now Isela sleeps in the crib, I sleep next to her and Joaquin is between Dan and me. We have plenty of space, we're all pretty comfortable and it's safe for little baby girl...and yes, we all sleep! The best thing ever is I don't have to get up to nurse in the middle of the night...and I have all the people I love right there within cuddling distance, how can you beat that??

My dear sweet boy.

This past week has had it's ups and downs. I made a promise to myself last Monday morning that I would not yell at Joaquin. I felt like everything I was telling him was negative and often in not the nicest of voices. I did pretty good for most of the week. But I hate to say it; he's a handful and a half and as the week went on my patience grew more and more thin.

I think we just really need to evaluate some things around here and how we interact with Joaquin.

I feel like our environment has turned into a "No" versus a "Yes" environment. There are too many things that I have to tell him not to do. I would rather he was physically in a place where playing, touching and exploring most things was OK. It's like no matter how much I clear out of this place, clutter takes over and he dives right in. He needs a yard to run around in, a room to play in, activities and toys that are kid accessible and not in a giant pile in a hot tiny room. Our house just feels so kid un-friendly it's kind of a bummer.

Also, I think we need to allow him to burn off more energy. We go out every day, but there were still moments this week where he was practically bouncing off the walls. I mean running around and crashing into walls, furniture, body parts, dogs etc etc. We just enrolled him into some soccer classes which I'm hoping will help burn some of his energy and I need to make sure our days always involve time for him to physically play, especially in the afternoons.

But even with the opportunity to burn energy, it's like he's missing a way to expell a certain kind of energy. It's like he NEEDS to feel physical touch. He tends to squeeze, wrestle and get really rough in his play. This mostly happens with us and the dog, but I'm starting to see it happen with other kids and even in his attempts to hug and kiss the baby. He's not hitting or being mean, just kind of aggressive with his attempts to show affection. I feel like I'm constantly saying "gentle gentle gentle" with him! Am I not hugging and loving him enough anymore? Is that what's suddenly causing this?

I'm also pretty sure some of this is attention getting behaviors. While he's not showing jealousy directly at the baby, I know it's there and these moment of craziness are his way of getting that attention that has been diverted from him. I really hope he will settle down and this isn't a case of baby induced ADHD. I mean, he can get pretty crazy lately...along with ignoring us and some plain old defiance. It makes me wonder "Where did my sweet boy go?"

I almost feel like resorting to sticker charts and behavior modification strategies. But it just feels so manipulative. Do we really need to go there? Can some adjustments to our environment, routine and our attitude make enough of a difference? I'm also hoping that if I start pumping, I can get in some dedicated Mama & Joaquin time...time that is just all fun. I feel like I'm not fun for him anymore.

Today he told me he wanted my sister Ceci, to be his mom, and that he wanted to live with her. He also never wants to leave my mom's house whenever we go over. I get that everybody else is way more fun, but am I that awful to him that he doesn't even want me to be his mom anymore?

I know the baby is only three weeks old and this is still all so new, but it still is a bummer. I was going to come on here and update our week and post some fun pictures and this just spilled out.

Sorry. I'll do my best to post some pictures tomorrow. For now, here he is being is old sweet self the other night...



Now it's time for bed and time to get in some cuddles with Joaquin...even if he is sleeping and won't remember me whispering in his ear how much I love him and how much miss him.

Will I have enough room?

I was laying next to Joaquin yesterday while he was napping. I was just staring at him, studying his little lips and nose and eyelashes. He looked so calm and innocent. I kissed his dirty forehead and sweet fingertips and all I could think was "I'm so sorry". He has no idea how upside down his happy world is soon going to become.

I love him so much, I just can't help but wonder how in the world I'm going to fit in enough love for two of them. Will my frustration and lack of patience for him grow and my love for him drop? Will she never get the same amount of love I feel for him? Will they constantly be at battle for my heart? I know it all seems so silly, but I'm just so afraid I won't be able to love them both enough.

I'm afraid that Joaquin's sweet sweet world will just explode all around him and I will be the cause of it. Will I resent the baby for it?

He seems so excited for her to join us. When I told him this morning that I was tired becuase the baby was going to come out soon, he got so excited. "The baby is coming out! Hurry up baby!" If he only knew.

I am excited, I do want to meet her. But I'm feeling so sad too. So sad that I'm going to lose this amazing thing I have with my son that I love so much it hurts.

I'm afraid that when he looks back on these photos, at how excited he was, he's going to mutter to himself..."if I only knew".





Or maybe he's onto something with his excitement. Maybe he, in his heart, knows something that I don't. Maybe he knows I have enough room...I hope I do.

One of the many reasons why I'm a horrible mom.

Growing up eating together as a family at the table was a complete rarity. My father never sat down and ate with us, so we often all ate in front of the TV. On days when we all did sit together, it was for a "special occasion".

I vividly remember one day when my mother bought shrimp for dinner. I was probably no more than 7 or 8. I was sooo excited; we were going to have a "fancy" dinner and we were all going to eat together...at the table. I helped my mom set the table and coaxed my dad out of his room and away from the television. We all finally sat down and when I went to pull my chair in, I grabbed a hold of the table and pulled. This was an old rickety table so when I did this the whole thing shook and my milk ended up spilling everywhere. My dad blew up. Freaked out on me. Yelled at me and humiliated me. He then grabbed his plate, went to his room and slammed the door. I had ruined our family dinner. Ruined it.

Because of this and many other similar events, my father is no longer a part of my life. More importantly I try try try to never yell at Joaquin like my dad yelled at me, especially for accidents like spilling things. I try and make it very matter of fact, oh well, let's clean it up, kind of thing. It's hard not to get frustrated sometimes. But I have to try.

Another big thing that came from this was my want to have family meals, at a table, regularly.

I have failed horribly at this. Horribly.

We have such a tiny space for our "dining area" it's silly. When it was just Dan and I, it was romantic and cute. We would squeeze in and have sweet intimate meals together. Now with three of us, it's just not possible. When the three of cram ourselves in that small space it's nearly claustrophobic. So, we have fallen into the trap of eating meals in front of the TV.

I hate it. I feel like a failure every time I set Joaquin down to eat in front of the television. What bothers me most, is that he is getting used to it. It's now a habit for him and I caused it.

I dream of the day of having a space large enough for a large dining table where we can all sit and eat together. I drool over dining tables in stores and catalogs.

This morning I had had enough. It was just Joaquin and I for breakfast since Dan had to work. I made a decision. Anytime it's just the two of us, we're eating at the table.

Here he is this morning enjoying the view and a cup of chamomile tea. And can you guess what those towels on the floor were for? Yep, he spilled his tea. No biggie, right?





I just have to fix this now, before it becomes too much of a habit for him. I just hope I can follow through.

Losing my "reset button"

Since I got pregnant, I've been slowly encouraging the idea of weaning to Joaquin. I'm just not one of those amazing souls who are willing to take an adventure in tandem nursing. So my hope is to wean at least a few months before the new baby comes...It's been going surprisingly well.

Our biggest accomplishment has been to cut out nursing to sleep which has lead to totally night weaning. All it took was me asking him to go to sleep like he does at school. For some amazingly strange reason, he just simply falls asleep at school come nap time. I kept asking them what were they doing to make him do it, and they kept telling me that he just laid down and went to sleep! So one night I got up my nerve and asked him to do the same. And he did it. He just laid down, closed his eyes and went to sleep. Who knew all this time I just had to ask the kid?!? Since he doesn't nurse to sleep, he doesn't wake up to nurse. It's amazing.

Since this incredible evening he has slowed down a lot during the day too. For a couple of weeks there, he was only nursing every couple of days. Then he got sick, and has been nursing once or twice a day. This is still a huge accomplishment for us and as soon as he gets over this I'm sure he will slow down again.

One huge thing I've noticed during this transition though is the loss of my trusty "reset button". If he was freaking out, tantruming and/or straight up losing his sh*t, I knew I could always nurse him back to sanity. It just took a few minutes on the boob and he would reset back to his sweet sweet self.

This morning, I don't know what happened, but he fuh-lipped. I tried to distract him. I tried to hug him. I tried to ignore him. I even tried to pawn him off on his father. Food? nope. Drink? nope. A freaking cookie? Nope. I didn't offer milk because I'm trying to stick to the don't offer don't refuse philosophy. So when he finally asked for milk, I agreed. Within minutes he was done and ready for the zoo, like his head wasn't spinning in full on circles just 5 minutes earlier.

So what do I do? Once the milk is totally gone and no longer an option how do I reset him when he goes all satan's spawn on me? My boobs have not failed me for over two years now, I have no other tricks in my bag! So all you wise mamas out there...speak up, I need some tips, tricks and whatever else you'll give me! I'll take it!

The Christmas Tree

With the encouragement of my mom, we decided to get a Christmas Tree this year. Honestly, we have never had one that is over one and half feet tall in this house, but we figured we couldn't deprive our child of the joys of a real honest to goodness Christmas Tree any longer .

I was actually hesitant because I know my child. If you have ever met him, I think you would think twice before putting a tree filled with electrical wires and glass in front of him too. To make it as safe as possible we only have unbreakable ornaments all hanging from ribbon. I know my child would love to chew on those little metal hooks, he really would.

The first thing Joaquin did when we started decorating it, was put one of those lights right in his mouth, to you know, taste it. Luckily they weren't plugged in yet, and I tried to explain as well as I could that that was just plain dumb. "No, Joaquin, we don't put lights in our mouth because we don't like to die. Please put it back...how about a cracker instead?" Yep, that is when I knew I was in for a real treat.



Each morning since the tree went up, Joaquin wakes up begging for "The Christmas Tree Lights" and as soon as they're plugged in he cheers an "All Riiiight!" It's wonderfully cute. But, each day since the tree went up, I have had to redecorate it.

One day, Joaquin decided that the ornaments looked better hanging from the knobs all around the house. Another day he "cooked" them all in a big kitchen pot. While another time, he thought they looked fabulous spread carefully all over the floor of the entire house. I don't know how he managed to get so many off so quickly. Every day. But he did. He pulled the lights off, he pulled the beaded garland off. Every day.



Finally the Gods of The Natural Consequences heard my calls. I had gotten home to an empty house to see all the ornanments and half of the lights sprawled across my living room. I spent the next half hour redecorating while wondering if Christmas Eve was too early to take the tree down.

Soon Dan and Joaquin came home and Joaquin went straight for the tree squealing his version of "Christmas Tree lights, Christmas Tree LIGHTS!!" I was standing in the middle of the living room facing away from Joaquin and the tree talking to Dan when I heard a crash behind me. I turned to see a Christmas Tree on the floor and no child. I screamed "OH MY GAWD!" and hurled the tree up. Of course Joaquin was wailing, rightfully so...I mean a 6 foot tree just fell on his 3 foot body! But he was fine. Really.

That is when I lectured, "This is what I've been trying to explain to you over and over and over... we don't pull on the tree, or touch it, ever ever again. It will fall on you and kill you." He nodded in understanding.

He will now point to the tree, admire the lights and inspect the ornaments but all at a safe distance. My relationship with the tree and all those damn ornaments has never been better.

The Baby?

The other morning as I was getting ready to head to work, I was emailing a colleague to set up a morning meeting. In the email I told her I would "be there soon, as long as the baby didn't wake up". The baby? What baby?

I continue to refer to Joaquin as "The Baby". The problem is, he isn't a baby anymore. When I call him "the baby" I'm sure people are expecting to see an actual baby, not a walking talking toddler.

So what do I call him now? The kid? The toddler? My son?

None of them quite have that ring of "The baby", plus he's still my baby!

It did not go well.

I am a walking zombie today and am rethinking my desire to night wean.

He woke up in his bed at 10pm. I brought him to bed with us and he went right back to sleep without nursing. I mistakenly thought this was a sign that the rest of the night would go just as smoothly.

He woke up again just after 11. I had just started to really fall asleep because work crap kept running in and out of my brain. I was not happy. He kept searching for milk while I held and hugged him. He screamed for milk and I reminded him it went sleepies. He was not happy. He cried in my arms for about 5 minutes and fell back to sleep while laying on his back on my stomach and I whispered "I love you, I love you" over and over in his ear.

He woke up again at 1:30 and had decided he really wanted milk and he wasn't taking NO for an answer. He tossed himself all over the bed. He wouldn't let me hold him. He screamed. He cried. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Finally after what felt like an eternity, but was probably more like 10 minutes, I gave in. Here. Nurse. Just let me sleep.

But after a few minutes of nursing my skin was crawling. I just couldn't handle it. I feel so bad, but I'm so done with night time nursing! I whispered to him "Ok, time to finish." He shook his head. "Time for milk to go sleepies." He kept on. Finally I tried to pop him off. That kid held on for dear life.

When I finally got him unlatched he screamed bloody murder. He was pissed. I was evil. I held him and whispered in his ear for a few minutes and he soon settled down and fell back to sleep.

At 4:30 he was up and looking for milk again. I was done. I had to get up in two hours and was not up for a battle. He nursed for a minute or two and rolled back over. Then did the same at about 6am. I finally got out of bed close to 7 and am not in the best of moods today.

Can I really handle this again tonight?

Night Weaning

Yes, Joaquin still nurses at night. I know, I know, and yes...it is starting to drive me insane.

We worked on night weaning this summer, and by the end, I pretty much had him off the boob from bedtime to about 5 am. Everyday, I would remind him that when we all went "sleepies", milk went "sleepies" too. I would also try and top him off with yogurt before bed to make sure he didn't wake up in the middle of the night hungry. Some nights he would wake up and beg for milk "peeeease!". Other nights he would wake up and roll around, wouldn't even bother to ask and then fall back asleep. He still woke up in his bed around midnight, but when I brought him into ours he would just roll over and fall back asleep, it was awesome! Then at 5 am, like clockwork, he would wake up to nurse. I was OK with it because I knew once I went back to work, I would want to nurse before I got up.

So, I went back to work and all was well, for a few days at least.

He then got a fever for a couple of days. His canines were coming in and while he didn't seem in too much pain, I was concerned about the fever and wanted to make sure he nursed as much as needed. This was nearly four weeks ago.

Now we are back to nursing multiple times a night and it. has. to. stop. We made some headway a couple of weeks ago, and I have to admit, it was much easier to get back on track, but we have since fallen off the wagon.

Last night he threw a fit and a half when I had finally told him no more. He did finally fall asleep, albeit while crying in my arms.

So tonight, we're back on it. This afternoon we'll be talking about how "milk goes sleepies". I'm gorging him with yogurt before bedtime and I'm pulling out my turtle neck.

Wish me luck.