I was laying next to Joaquin yesterday while he was napping. I was just staring at him, studying his little lips and nose and eyelashes. He looked so calm and innocent. I kissed his dirty forehead and sweet fingertips and all I could think was "I'm so sorry". He has no idea how upside down his happy world is soon going to become.
I love him so much, I just can't help but wonder how in the world I'm going to fit in enough love for two of them. Will my frustration and lack of patience for him grow and my love for him drop? Will she never get the same amount of love I feel for him? Will they constantly be at battle for my heart? I know it all seems so silly, but I'm just so afraid I won't be able to love them both enough.
I'm afraid that Joaquin's sweet sweet world will just explode all around him and I will be the cause of it. Will I resent the baby for it?
He seems so excited for her to join us. When I told him this morning that I was tired becuase the baby was going to come out soon, he got so excited. "The baby is coming out! Hurry up baby!" If he only knew.
I am excited, I do want to meet her. But I'm feeling so sad too. So sad that I'm going to lose this amazing thing I have with my son that I love so much it hurts.
I'm afraid that when he looks back on these photos, at how excited he was, he's going to mutter to himself..."if I only knew".
Or maybe he's onto something with his excitement. Maybe he, in his heart, knows something that I don't. Maybe he knows I have enough room...I hope I do.