Friday, July 17, 2009

Will I have enough room?

I was laying next to Joaquin yesterday while he was napping. I was just staring at him, studying his little lips and nose and eyelashes. He looked so calm and innocent. I kissed his dirty forehead and sweet fingertips and all I could think was "I'm so sorry". He has no idea how upside down his happy world is soon going to become.

I love him so much, I just can't help but wonder how in the world I'm going to fit in enough love for two of them. Will my frustration and lack of patience for him grow and my love for him drop? Will she never get the same amount of love I feel for him? Will they constantly be at battle for my heart? I know it all seems so silly, but I'm just so afraid I won't be able to love them both enough.

I'm afraid that Joaquin's sweet sweet world will just explode all around him and I will be the cause of it. Will I resent the baby for it?

He seems so excited for her to join us. When I told him this morning that I was tired becuase the baby was going to come out soon, he got so excited. "The baby is coming out! Hurry up baby!" If he only knew.

I am excited, I do want to meet her. But I'm feeling so sad too. So sad that I'm going to lose this amazing thing I have with my son that I love so much it hurts.

I'm afraid that when he looks back on these photos, at how excited he was, he's going to mutter to himself..."if I only knew".

Joaquin, the future Midwife

Joaquin, the future Midwife

Or maybe he's onto something with his excitement. Maybe he, in his heart, knows something that I don't. Maybe he knows I have enough room...I hope I do.


bendystar said...

Aw, that one made me teary! I think all moms feel this way. At least that's what my mom tells me and I hope she's right since I'm #2. I think he's going to be a great big brother and what a lucky little girl to have her big brother around to show her stuff and protect her!

Eliska Bobeeska said...

I'm crying. I hear this is a common worry, and of course you will have enough room - and there is nothing more special that you could ever give Joaquin than a baby sister! She will not only have your love, and her daddy's love...but her brother's love too, and he will have her's. I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this once she comes. It's something I worry about myself, when I think of having another.

Elaine said...

I remember feeling just like that as well. And it was tough, figuring out how to balance their needs. Mark picked up a lot of the Lily care in those days and their bond grew so deep.

But as for their relationship, my girls are so close. They play together and comfort each other and sometimes fight. But I see their love for each other so clearly, that I can't help but believe it was the right thing.

You'll all figure it out. Pinky swear.

eiroc said...

Your blog made me will have plenty of love for both of them. Joaquin is going to be an amazing big brother and he has a great momma :)

Shannon said...

I had to comment. That entry made me cry! I remember feeling the exact same way, and I had cried about it too. I felt like I was mourning the loss of that relationship with my son.

Things really worked out for the best, he loves her, and it has made his life more full, his experiences a little richer. I am so happy that they will have each other to grow up with and to rely upon. My heart grew with having Kaylee. My appreciation for having the two of them is amazing. The two of them are so different and their personalities are amazing. I enjoy alone time with both of them, but I love having us together.