Switching gears

Yesterday was the first day back for all teachers in my school district. Of course I wasn't there, but what did I end up doing? I checked my district email like five times, called my former department co-chair for an update and went in today to "visit".

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!

I wanted out for so long so that I could spend some quality time taking care of my kids, and now that I am out, I longingly peek back in?

I know we made the right decision for me to take some time off with the kids, I'm not second guessing that, but I am having a hard time letting go of that part of me. I thought it would be so easy to let her go...but not really.

I kind of skated my way through college and started teaching at 23. For about 7 years I was super career oriented. I was on my way to my Master's and even considered an Administrator's Credential. Then I had Joaquin. I thought I would be able to go back to work and just keep on truckin' I didn't think I would turn into one of "those" moms. But I did.

Once it was time to go back to work I just physically couldn't do it. I was a basket case. I cried on the phone to my Principal and begged for at least a part time position, and I got it. I finished that school year working 4 days a week and the next year I was working 3 days. Was it the perfect answer? No, but it was better than working full time.

Last year I had to go back full time because of Dan's job situation and then I got pregnant at the beginning of the year. As you probably know, that was seriously the hardest year for me professionally. All I wanted to do was be at home with Joaquin and my soon to be baby.

Well, we are making it work. Not without some HUGE sacrifices, but I'm here with my two kids. I should be on cloud nine, right? I am happy, I love them and I love watching them grow, but at the same time I'm kind of shocked at who I am now. Not that I'm not happy with myself, it's just not who I ever expected myself to be. I was a completely different person when it came to my career once I had kids.

I look at on of my school's Vice Principal's, the one in charge of my department and I wonder if that could have been me. She is my age, and it seems she took that path that I veered off of. I wonder if I'll ever get back on it...I wonder if I'll ever want to?

I'm not one of those that "wants it all" the great career and the great family. I can't do it all and I don't even want to try. I'm happy with staying focused on one thing at a time and right now that is my family. Switching my focus is just taking a little more getting used to than I though it would.

Last week

As promised, here is a more upbeat post with pictures from last week.

Last Saturday we went to Dan's parents house so they could finally meet Isela. They had been out of town since the birth!

Isela was really over the flash, but seriously, how can I resist?




Dan's mom, Donna, with Isela...




You know every mom takes those photos...yep, the baby on the lap shot.








Last Wednesday Joaquin went to a puppet show with some of his friends. Here they are all stoked and showing off their tickets...it was pretty frickin' cute.






HUGS!!!!




And here is Isela after a bath with her fuzzy hair, again, pretty annoyed with the flash...




Oh, and before her bath, all sweaty and cute in her cloth diaper...



Tomorrow we're taking the kids out on the Coronado Ferry...I know they will love it, so I'll be back soon with pics!

Also, thank you for the comments here, on facebook and in person about my last post. They all really helped me put things in perspective and understand that this is all just a normal passing phase. That's helping me to chill out a bit which is encouraging Joaquin to chill out a bit. It's awesome to know I have such great supportive people sharing in my life through this blog...I appreciate it more than you know!

My dear sweet boy.

This past week has had it's ups and downs. I made a promise to myself last Monday morning that I would not yell at Joaquin. I felt like everything I was telling him was negative and often in not the nicest of voices. I did pretty good for most of the week. But I hate to say it; he's a handful and a half and as the week went on my patience grew more and more thin.

I think we just really need to evaluate some things around here and how we interact with Joaquin.

I feel like our environment has turned into a "No" versus a "Yes" environment. There are too many things that I have to tell him not to do. I would rather he was physically in a place where playing, touching and exploring most things was OK. It's like no matter how much I clear out of this place, clutter takes over and he dives right in. He needs a yard to run around in, a room to play in, activities and toys that are kid accessible and not in a giant pile in a hot tiny room. Our house just feels so kid un-friendly it's kind of a bummer.

Also, I think we need to allow him to burn off more energy. We go out every day, but there were still moments this week where he was practically bouncing off the walls. I mean running around and crashing into walls, furniture, body parts, dogs etc etc. We just enrolled him into some soccer classes which I'm hoping will help burn some of his energy and I need to make sure our days always involve time for him to physically play, especially in the afternoons.

But even with the opportunity to burn energy, it's like he's missing a way to expell a certain kind of energy. It's like he NEEDS to feel physical touch. He tends to squeeze, wrestle and get really rough in his play. This mostly happens with us and the dog, but I'm starting to see it happen with other kids and even in his attempts to hug and kiss the baby. He's not hitting or being mean, just kind of aggressive with his attempts to show affection. I feel like I'm constantly saying "gentle gentle gentle" with him! Am I not hugging and loving him enough anymore? Is that what's suddenly causing this?

I'm also pretty sure some of this is attention getting behaviors. While he's not showing jealousy directly at the baby, I know it's there and these moment of craziness are his way of getting that attention that has been diverted from him. I really hope he will settle down and this isn't a case of baby induced ADHD. I mean, he can get pretty crazy lately...along with ignoring us and some plain old defiance. It makes me wonder "Where did my sweet boy go?"

I almost feel like resorting to sticker charts and behavior modification strategies. But it just feels so manipulative. Do we really need to go there? Can some adjustments to our environment, routine and our attitude make enough of a difference? I'm also hoping that if I start pumping, I can get in some dedicated Mama & Joaquin time...time that is just all fun. I feel like I'm not fun for him anymore.

Today he told me he wanted my sister Ceci, to be his mom, and that he wanted to live with her. He also never wants to leave my mom's house whenever we go over. I get that everybody else is way more fun, but am I that awful to him that he doesn't even want me to be his mom anymore?

I know the baby is only three weeks old and this is still all so new, but it still is a bummer. I was going to come on here and update our week and post some fun pictures and this just spilled out.

Sorry. I'll do my best to post some pictures tomorrow. For now, here he is being is old sweet self the other night...



Now it's time for bed and time to get in some cuddles with Joaquin...even if he is sleeping and won't remember me whispering in his ear how much I love him and how much miss him.

So far so good...

Nursing Joaquin did not start out well, so I've been kind of paranoid that things were also not going to go well with Isela.

At the hospital her latch hurt a bit, and even though the nurse said it looked good, I still insisted they send the Lactation Consultant. She came and gave a few pointers and I also had her check for tongue tie. I did not want to go through that drama again and luckily Isela looked good.

There was some soreness and scabbing and all that fun stuff in the first week, but luckily it cleared quickly unlike with Joaquin which lasted weeks.

Today I made a quick stop at the Lactation Consultant's office I used with Joaquin. They have support groups that I attended at least once if not three times a week when I was struggling back then with him. There wasn't a group when I went in today, but I was still able to weigh her, nurse her and weigh her again to see how we were doing.

Turns out Isela is up to 9 pounds 1 ounce, up from 8 pounds 9 ounces a week ago. That's an ounce a day she has gained! She also nursed just over two ounces which the LC said is perfect at two weeks old.

Yay!

Week two

Here are some pictures of last week...week two!

On the first day of Isela's 2nd week of life we decided a trip to the zoo was in order, we even ate dinner at the fancy pants restaurant they have there...and I even had a glass of wine. Crazy stuff, I know.




Not the best of pictures, but it's of the three of us on the Skyfari...







Yep, I'm nursing while walking through the zoo...it can be done, and nobody had a clue!






The next day, Joaquin wanted to be the baby...




while Isela was looking all growns up already, I can't believe she is only one week and one day old here!



The following Sunday, we went to my mom's for breakfast...how does one resist the outfits? Oh and the bows? Oh the bows!






Lucky for me that camera doesn't work anymore...I'm not a big fan of the pictures lately.




Our first photo as a family of FOUR!




We got to give Isela her first bath that Sunday evening, of course Joaquin was a big help...










We had our 2nd pediatrician appointment on Tuesday and Isela was above her birth-weight at 8 pounds 9.5 ounces, so it looks like nursing is going well! No pictures of that even though...but here she is at a whole TWO weeks old!



It's crazy how fast these past couple of weeks have gone. While this newborn phase and adjusting to life with two kids is no easy task, Dan and I realize how fast it goes...we're trying to enjoy and suck up as much sweetness as we can.

More to come soon!

Part five of Isela Marí’s arrival: Finally Home

Here is the last bit, again loaded with pictures. Thanks for reading everybody and stay tuned for tons of pictures and plenty of updates of these two...they love the camera after all!

Here are the obligitory links to parts one, two, three & four if you missed them...

Part five of Isela Marí’s arrival: Finally Home

We got home early Sunday afternoon, and Joaquin was still napping at my mom's house so our house was eerily quiet for a few hours as we waited for Joaquin to arrive.







As soon as Joaquin and my mom got there and he realized the baby was home he HAD to get in some serious cuddles.







We bought Joaquin a couple of gifts “from the baby” that we had him open; a Cars DVD, you know for those moments when the TV will be a really good babysitter? And a remote control firetruck. He loved them and thanked the baby for such kind generosity. Even today if you ask him where he got either one he’ll tell you “the baby” gave them to him, it’s adorable. Oh, and check out his awesome shirt.





Joaquin also got Isela two little stuffed froggies. We had been reading a couple of books about new babies, and in the book the big brother buys the baby a stuffed frog. Since then he was on the lookout for a frog to buy baby and he found the two perfect ones at Ikea. He was so excited to give them to her!







I bit later Isela had to nurse and when I went to nurse her Joaquin had a fit. He kept saying that HE wanted milk, not the baby. From there it turned into a total meltdown complete with kicking and screaming. I just started sobbing, apologizing to him for what I had done. That made my mom cry and poor Dan was stuck there with us all crying. Joaquin soon calmed down, but I will never forget that initial feeling of “Oh my god, what did I just do to my family, to my son?” It seriously broke my heart.

It’s been interesting trying to keep him to stay gentle with her. He gets a little Lenny on her here and there, he will try to squeeze her head or pull a finger and he wants to hold her ALL the time. It’s not so much that he’s jealous of her, but that he wants her to be his. He wants to change the diaper, feed her, carry her. Of course, he can’t do all of these things so tantrums usually ensue.

He’s also been very active, all over the place spazzy active. The next day after we got home, we had to go to the park. There was just no way he could have stayed home and we all would have stayed sane. No way.





Oh and here is Isela's park attire...gotta love it.




So we’ve been out and about pretty much every day since we got out of the hospital. While getting out of the house is crazy, it doesn’t compare to the mental institution I would be sent to if we didn’t get out. Seriously.

I had been going on adrenaline for a few days; sleep was OK, but not great. My mom asked if she could take Joaquin on Wednesday afternoon, which turned into possibly that night and the next day. I asked Joaquin and he was stoked to go, I on the other hand was a mess.

I knew I needed the rest and the opportunity to bond with the baby, but I was already missing Joaquin and what we had before baby so much. When my mom came to pick him up I started with the crying, he hugged and kissed me and my mom told me he would be fine. I knew he would, it was me that wasn’t!



I did end up getting some much-needed rest and we were all much happier, but it’s still been hard to see our relationship change so much. Dan has pretty much taken over as Joaquin’s primary caregiver when I’m with the baby. He puts him to sleep, wakes up with him and deals with a lot of the little stuff through out the day. He’s really been amazing.

While I love and appreciate this, again, I just miss my time with Joaquin. There was a night a few nights ago where I just cried most of the evening. Joaquin was acting up, it seemed like every thing with him was a battle and I just wanted the old “us” back. I know we’ll never get that again and we all have to adjust to a new normal, but still. It’s hard.

I can’t believe I ever thought life with a newborn was hard, or even life with just a toddler! When it’s just one on one, everything is sooo much easier! With two? Not so much.

I know things will get better and we’ll all adjust and actually we’ve made quite a bit of progress over the past two weeks.

What was normal before the baby is no longer and as a new family we're slowly but surely making our way to what will be our new normal.

You should watch this.

Reducing Infant Mortality from Debby Takikawa on Vimeo.