Yesterday was the first day back for all teachers in my school district. Of course I wasn't there, but what did I end up doing? I checked my district email like five times, called my former department co-chair for an update and went in today to "visit".
What the heck is wrong with me?!?!
I wanted out for so long so that I could spend some quality time taking care of my kids, and now that I am out, I longingly peek back in?
I know we made the right decision for me to take some time off with the kids, I'm not second guessing that, but I am having a hard time letting go of that part of me. I thought it would be so easy to let her go...but not really.
I kind of skated my way through college and started teaching at 23. For about 7 years I was super career oriented. I was on my way to my Master's and even considered an Administrator's Credential. Then I had Joaquin. I thought I would be able to go back to work and just keep on truckin' I didn't think I would turn into one of "those" moms. But I did.
Once it was time to go back to work I just physically couldn't do it. I was a basket case. I cried on the phone to my Principal and begged for at least a part time position, and I got it. I finished that school year working 4 days a week and the next year I was working 3 days. Was it the perfect answer? No, but it was better than working full time.
Last year I had to go back full time because of Dan's job situation and then I got pregnant at the beginning of the year. As you probably know, that was seriously the hardest year for me professionally. All I wanted to do was be at home with Joaquin and my soon to be baby.
Well, we are making it work. Not without some HUGE sacrifices, but I'm here with my two kids. I should be on cloud nine, right? I am happy, I love them and I love watching them grow, but at the same time I'm kind of shocked at who I am now. Not that I'm not happy with myself, it's just not who I ever expected myself to be. I was a completely different person when it came to my career once I had kids.
I look at on of my school's Vice Principal's, the one in charge of my department and I wonder if that could have been me. She is my age, and it seems she took that path that I veered off of. I wonder if I'll ever get back on it...I wonder if I'll ever want to?
I'm not one of those that "wants it all" the great career and the great family. I can't do it all and I don't even want to try. I'm happy with staying focused on one thing at a time and right now that is my family. Switching my focus is just taking a little more getting used to than I though it would.