Playgroup fun!

Today both Dan and I got to take Joaquin to playgroup. We had a super nice day even though it will be my last playgroup for a couple of weeks until Spring Break. I'm kind of sad, but it's all good in the hood. Here are some pictures of Joaquin going down the hill in his wagon. He loved it! It's kind of reminiscent of my ice blocking days...please tell me there are others who ice blocked in the middle of the night in their teen years!

OK, I think I'm better now.

I talked to Dan a bit ago and he also had a bit of a holy crap moment. Ya know, like "wow, this is real". But we both took deep breaths and came through sans freak out attacks. He was dropping off Joaquin at the in-laws because they just HAVE to see him or their hearts fall right out of their chests. They love that kid. Anyway, he was going to go back home to clean the house. How cool is that? I get to go home to a clean house and I didn't even have to do it OR pay someone to do it. In money.

I hadn't cried yet, I was on the verge a few times, but didn't cry. And that's crazy because I normally cry at the drop of a hat. But when I met with my Principal today, I cried. Not much, but enough that he ran out to get me tissue in fear that I might make a whole mess out of myself on his fancy redwood desk. He's actually a really good guy and I'm sure had no worries about his fancy desk. He had no problem with giving me part time at the beginning of the year and he was really supportive today. He also had big smiles at the idea of Dan being a SAHD. He has two little ones and is very much a father. But, what I thought was soo super duper cool, was that one of his first questions was if I would like to come back part-time next year. After all he did to get me part-time this year, put me back full-time now and still, he is considering giving me back part-time next year? Without me even having to ask? I of course said I would love it.

So Dan better get a job before then! We have a max of 6 months of unemployment and I'm now full time, we have a little dinero set aside and we also are getting a bit of a tax refund and that gubm'nt stimulation thing. We should be OK and hopefully I won't have to do summer school. Now all we need is a job...but not yet...in a few months. Right around summer would be perfect. And then I get knocked up.

Hey, one can dream, right?

eeek.

It's a done deal. I just talked to admin and I start full time on Monday.

Holy Crap.

I'm trying to stay positive because, well...I don't have a choice. I can cry and mope around about it, or just deal and turn my lemons into lemonade or my apples into oranges or however that saying goes. But right now at this very moment, I'm having a bit of a heart attack.

Someone please remind me that it will all be OK.

Well, we officially have a plan.

I know, I know, I've heard the cliche...Life doesn't care if you have plans. But for me to keep my sanity, I need a plan. I know things will not go exactly as planned. But I need a light at the end, a goal, a direction. That's just how I roll.


Drum roll please...I now present to you...
THE PLAN....

I'm going to talk to my admin to try and go back full time as soon as possible and stay full time through the end of the school year which is mid June. If Dan has not found THE job by summer than I also work summer school. Wah. If he has, then we start trying for number two!! Woo Hoo! In the fall if he has THE job, then I will go back part-time (if they let me) until the end of the first semester, when I will start my leave of absence to stay home with Joaquin and hopefully a baby #2. Yipee!!! If he still doesn't have THE job then we cry and our plan is useless and we go back to the drawing board.

It's funny how we're looking at this whole thing. I feel like we should be freaking out and miserable and looking at this like a huge set back. But we're not. We are really looking at this as a new start, a jumping point, a way to get us where we want to be.

We are fully aware of our crappy economy and know it will be hard to find THE job. But I'm really hoping that our positive outlook is a sign that things will be OK. I know this is so Oprah, but I do believe that we attract what we put out there. Right now, we're putting out some pretty good positive vibes. I just hope we stay that way.

Time to make some decisions.

So today is Dan's first day with Joaquin and I have already called a couple of times. The first time he was searching for Joaquin's shoes. The second time, they were eating snacks at the zoo. After both phone calls, I couldn't help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

In the past two days, things have definitely changed. I'm having a really hard time organizing my thoughts and feelings. There were a few moments yesterday, especially at the park with Joaquin, where I just wanted to break down and cry. But later in the afternoon when we were all together as a family, I was just on top of the world. I can just see the connection between Dan and Joaquin growing more and more. It's like since Dan knows he is going to be the primary caregiver now he has opened up his heart even more to him. He's doing more "little things" and big things around the house and he's just plain happier. Just shows how much that job was bringing him down.

As some of you have said, I know things happen for a reason. I just wish I knew what the reason was. But for now, it seems the Universe has a plan.

After a conversation with a coworker, I found out it would be very easy for me to go back up to full time status right now because she wants to go part-time to work on her PhD. She didn't know about our situation yet, the conversation just sort of happened. I also found out that people are needed for summer school. It's easy money and only half days. I hate the idea of going back full time and working summer school. But at the same time, with Dan home, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If it's what I have to do for our family right now, it's what I have to do.

I'm really hoping that if we can make things work right here, right now, it will hopefully open some doors to allow me to stay home full time in the future. I'm starting to itch for baby number two, but for that to happen, in my mind, I have to be able to stay home.

No decisions have been officially made, but we will have to soon. So, give me your thoughts, feedback... anything! Should I just bite the bullet and work full time and let Dan be the stay at home dad for now? Or...??

Suddenly, everything has changed.

Yesterday was an interesting day. As you know, I was on my fifth day of a headache from hell. I get headaches often and they usually last a few days, but 5 days was more than I could handle. After a late morning nap with Joaquin, I woke up to a nearly pain free head. As the day went on, it slowly disappeared completely. Usually when my headaches go away, they leave me full of energy and in a great mood, so by evening when Dan came home, I was ready to beg for a few free hours to spend with some of my playgroup mama friends for a drink or two.

That is when everything changed. He came home with some news that we're both still digesting.

He lost his job. He was laid off. Let go.

I can't say we're upset, because he hated his job and I hated it for him. We knew this was coming with the way the company was doing business lately, and we were somewhat hoping for it. But now that it has actually happened, we're both left a little in disbelief.

We're kind of giddy and excited, looking to the future and hoping for some positive changes. But of course we're scared shitless of what this could do to us financially. There are so many questions that don't have answers.

Will I have to go back to work full time? If so, when? Will he be happy as a stay at home dad until he finds a job? Will he find something where he will be happy? Will it bring in enough money to maybe let me be a stay at home mom in the future? How long until he finds a job? Any job? If it doesn't bring in enough will we both end up working full time with a child in daycare? Will we lose our home? Will we end up better off or worse off? Is this a good thing? A bad thing?

There are no answers and our plan is still in the works. He is excited to get some real quality time with Joaquin and for that I'm grateful. But there are so many mixed emotions right now, I just don't know what to feel.

This uncertainty...depending on the angle of your view, it can be so very exciting and hopeful. Or it can be so deathly frightening.

Day five

I've had a headache for five days now. Five days. I've always had headaches and you would think that I would be used to them by now, but I'm not. I just can't function. I'm sad and miserable and the thing just won't go away. I've taken everything and all they do is dull the pain a bit. So I guess it's officially a migraine. Whatever it is, it needs to go away. Now.