Saturday, June 7, 2008

Living in the moment?

I realized the other day that I have no idea how to live in the present moment. For the past three months all I could focus on was the end of the school year. I have been thinking about classes we can take, playgroups we'll attend and I have even caught myself daydreaming about giving this house a good cleaning. I know, craziness, right?

But, now that the school year is near it's end, instead of being all giddy about my 7 days left, I'm starting to worry about the fall. What is up with that?? I mean, I'm still excited, but I'm also pretty consumed with panic.

Dan and I have decided that I will go back to work full time while he is pursuing the opportunity of self employment. Because of this Joaquin will have to go into a real childcare situation (as in with other children). I am super grateful that we have managed to go this long with only us and family or friends taking care of him, but now it's time for the next step. Last summer when we were considering childcare options, we visited a few places and nothing felt right for us, so we found a way to hold off for a year which is why I was working only three days a week for most of the year.

We will still be flexible with Dan's schedule so hopefully Joaquin won't have to attend five days a week. But we really need to nail something down as soon as possible, especially with waiting lists and all.

I set up a tour at a local preschool last week and we actually really liked it. During this tour, Joaquin dove right in and joined the groups of kids in each classroom. He "talked" to the teachers and to the other kids, had a snack and pretty much ran away from us first chance he got. He had a great time and didn't want to leave once our tour was over. This really settled my main concern. He really seemed like he would be ready and this made me a bit more ready. The bummer is that they can only take him once he turns two, and they have a waiting list. The chances of something opening up right when he turns two, which is in late November is slim to none. So we will have to find alternative childcare for at least the first few months of the school year and again, there is no guarantee that there will even be an opening once two rolls around.

I'm really getting myself all wound up about this. I just want to enjoy my summer with him. I don't want to think about it all the time, worrying and wondering who is going to take my child come fall. So now I find myself worrying about my worrying. Like I said, I'm not so concerned about shipping him off to day care. He seemed pretty into it at this tour, nothing like last summer, so I actually feel OK with it. And then feeling OK with it makes me feel guilty and I start to worry and wonder why I'm OK with it. Do you see where I'm going with this? Whackadoodle is where I'm going!

Back to my original point. I just want to enjoy our time together. I want to enjoy our time now, in the summer and in the fall. I need to learn not to be such a planner and have fun here and now. How does one figure that out? Any ideas?

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